How to reinstate sparkly
I was walking the other day and I realized that I just don't have the "sparkliness" (my own created word) that I used to have. I think the last year and a half have really done a job on my resiliance factor. Dad gave me an article on resiliance one day and he said he truly thinks I have it. Well, I think it is wearing on me. Given my physical situations since a few months after turning 40, my emotional state from the whole work situation and outcome/fall out for the last year and working around living on one income (ups and downs to that), I feel like I have nothing left to give.
I don't know the solution. Things have always poured down on Bob and I since we began marriage almost 20 years ago-good and bad. We have always bounced back from the bad and then had the joy of the good, but lately it just doesn't seem to get good. I try really hard to see the good in the bad; for example, although we have lived on one and a little under a half incomes for the last year, Bob has been home to bond with Keera and she had a parent with her for kindergarten, so she didn't have to do a daycare. I thought that was great. Plus, for the first time in 16 years, Bob has done the dr. appointments, the pick ups and drop offs for sports because he wasn't working until 7....etc.
But it has been enough. The human spirit can only turn so many lemons into lemonade. I am ashamed to write this in one sense because I do not have a lot of responsibilities that others do-autistic children, paralyzed spouses, poverty, deaths to deal with, etc. On the other hand I am tired from dealing with the negatives I do have. I had knee surgery 3 months ago and upon visiting the dr. today for a checkup, I complained of the knee pain below the knee...well I have bursitis, so in goes a cortizone shot. Let's hope that does the trick. (I knew something wasn't right...we know our bodies.) Last week we received a lawsuit pending against Bob for a car accident two years ago. Of course they waited until almost exactly two years later (the cut off date) to file it. Let's hope our insurance takes care of that without increasing our rates too much. And thanks to the republicans, Bob's unemployment will end in two weeks. He has applied to job after job, gone to temp agencies....I actually offered to go apply at the local grocery store at night to have some extra income. Plus I am sick of playing the game for the imbecile I work for, but am not in the place to move right now.
I do not have it worse than anyone and as a matter of fact we are probably at about 80% right now as far as how good we have it - B- (not bad), but I have lost my sparkle for things. I have lost my laughter, my excitement about life and the good in it. How do I get that back? Or is it like when a child discovers there really is no Santa Clause? Is it hitting reality and not being able to turn back? I can probably go as far to say that I am content with everything we do have right now, but I liked my sparkliness and I want that back. I want to be bright and cheery.
Big questions in life that no one probably has the answers to.....I wonder how I will view this 20 years from now when I reread it?
I don't know the solution. Things have always poured down on Bob and I since we began marriage almost 20 years ago-good and bad. We have always bounced back from the bad and then had the joy of the good, but lately it just doesn't seem to get good. I try really hard to see the good in the bad; for example, although we have lived on one and a little under a half incomes for the last year, Bob has been home to bond with Keera and she had a parent with her for kindergarten, so she didn't have to do a daycare. I thought that was great. Plus, for the first time in 16 years, Bob has done the dr. appointments, the pick ups and drop offs for sports because he wasn't working until 7....etc.
But it has been enough. The human spirit can only turn so many lemons into lemonade. I am ashamed to write this in one sense because I do not have a lot of responsibilities that others do-autistic children, paralyzed spouses, poverty, deaths to deal with, etc. On the other hand I am tired from dealing with the negatives I do have. I had knee surgery 3 months ago and upon visiting the dr. today for a checkup, I complained of the knee pain below the knee...well I have bursitis, so in goes a cortizone shot. Let's hope that does the trick. (I knew something wasn't right...we know our bodies.) Last week we received a lawsuit pending against Bob for a car accident two years ago. Of course they waited until almost exactly two years later (the cut off date) to file it. Let's hope our insurance takes care of that without increasing our rates too much. And thanks to the republicans, Bob's unemployment will end in two weeks. He has applied to job after job, gone to temp agencies....I actually offered to go apply at the local grocery store at night to have some extra income. Plus I am sick of playing the game for the imbecile I work for, but am not in the place to move right now.
I do not have it worse than anyone and as a matter of fact we are probably at about 80% right now as far as how good we have it - B- (not bad), but I have lost my sparkle for things. I have lost my laughter, my excitement about life and the good in it. How do I get that back? Or is it like when a child discovers there really is no Santa Clause? Is it hitting reality and not being able to turn back? I can probably go as far to say that I am content with everything we do have right now, but I liked my sparkliness and I want that back. I want to be bright and cheery.
Big questions in life that no one probably has the answers to.....I wonder how I will view this 20 years from now when I reread it?
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